@tayandmae
@heytherejeffro Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
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@heytherejeffro 
@TheWinegasm Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
@avainwordland When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
@ladyfiredancer When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
@canadasandra Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
@SavageDabs69 My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
@Brianhopecomedy *takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
@Jassar8000 Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
@AimeeHelene1 I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
@TurboJellyBean Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.