@tayandmae

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

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@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@TheWinegasm

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

@avainwordland

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

@ladyfiredancer

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

@Brianhopecomedy

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

@Jassar8000

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@TurboJellyBean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.