Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)