Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
bad news gang
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.