Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: