Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.