*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You better watch out
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me