@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

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@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

@jwoodham

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

@WheelTod

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

@dinnersruined

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@brandonIee

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

@FrenulumBreve

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.