Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.