[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Yup….perfect score!
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once