[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband