“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
the battle rages on
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS