[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Actually cracking up @ this
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*