Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
look at me when i’m typing to you
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?