Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade