Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.