Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.


I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!


Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.



Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…


Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is


Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.


DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!