Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*