Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.