C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
🤣
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry