C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.