“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
You Might Also Like
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.