C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
necessity is the mother of invention
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt