Cndnsd Mlk
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Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.