CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.