CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
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*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
me hooking up with my ex
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?