CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
TEETH IS INNOCENT
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My hips? Compulsive liars.