CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”