CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.


My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.


[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR


*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”


“Your password is two weeks.”


True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..


*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole


Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief


Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!


If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.


“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill