CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Best spoiler warning ever
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
If I ignore life will it go away?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.