@TrueTorontoGirl

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

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@MouVanLee

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@13spencer

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

@QwertyJones3

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

@brookebergstadt

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@BigJDubz

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES