CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The cashier just checked me out.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner