CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”


Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.


Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.


Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line


I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions


Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names


me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?