co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.