Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.