Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
this is uni
They’re on their honeymoon
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA