co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards