Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
mom had nothing to worry about
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie