Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*