Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
This sounds bad:
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Nothing to do, you say?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.