Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
This anagram machine is out of order.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]