Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.