co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.