Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Sex so good you see dead people.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.