Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.