coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
and now we wait
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial