COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
saw this in a dream
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*