Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Velcrow
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room