[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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gm
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]