Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.