*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Awesome parenting 😂
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?