Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel


I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.


What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.


I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.


Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”


Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”