@surlybassey

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

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@EmSlyce

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

@Fulkery1

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@LnL245

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

@AwkwardAndOdd

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

@ItsAndyRyan

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”