@Smooheed *acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
@surlybassey Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
You Might Also Like
@Smooheed 
@EmSlyce As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
@Fulkery1 I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
@capnwatsisname What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
@LnL245 Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
@JustinGuarini Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
@Dawn_M_ I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
@AwkwardAndOdd Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
@DaddyJew [pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
@ItsAndyRyan Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”