Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.