*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now