Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.