[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Best spot.. 😅
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]